


MOST WANTED

by William_Fixett



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Eddie Kaspbrak Lives, Fix It, Fluff, GQ please don't sue me, Hopeful future, Idiots in Love, Life goals, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Canon Fix-It, Rated B for beep beep, Relationship Goals, Richie tries to save his career but also protect his Eddie, There's no corona here, Warning: Might give you a tooth cavity, Warning: Richie Tozier has a trashmouth, past trauma, present bliss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22506634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/William_Fixett/pseuds/William_Fixett
Summary: @GQMagazine: Two years after the controversy Richie Tozier breaks his silence to talk about love and hate in our December cover story. gq.mn/Rn8pB7T3He meets me at the gate to his farmhouse. He's as tall and broad shouldered and impressive as advertised, but Richie Tozier seems a lot more at ease now than when America last saw him.Him and his life partner, the elusive Eddie Kasprack, live in the outskirts of a village set in an especially luscious corner of the world."Why northern Italy?"Tozier shrugs. "I don't know. One minute we were two bros watching Call Me By Your Name, the next we were sucking each other's dicks and moving to Italy. Hollywood made us gay, man, and we're suing."
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 31
Kudos: 225





	MOST WANTED

**Author's Note:**

> Loosely inspired by this masterpiece:  
> https://twitter.com/derryfacts2/status/1216139412070899712?s=19  
>   
> I wrote this to try and cheer up a friend so this is essentially a domestic fluff fix.  
> I tried to imagine what would an in depth candid interview with Tozier look like *realistically*.  
> How would he phrase reality into something that is both very honest *and* false enough to keep him out of the loony bin (his words)?  
>   
> I also wanted to sidebar express my disgust and exasperation with the toxic mob mentality that ruins fandoms. Because YUCK.  
>   
> Hope you enjoy. Oooh. And please do tell me what you liked and what ya didn't.. :)  
> \-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**MOST WANTED**  
_Richie Tozier on becoming the most hated man in America while finding true love  
_by Will Fixett

He meets me at the gate to his farmhouse. He's as tall and broad shouldered and impressive as advertised, but Richie Tozier seems a lot more at ease now than when America last saw him.  
Him and his life partner, the elusive Eddie Kaspbrak, live in the outskirts of a village set in an especially luscious corner of the world. Bright green meadows, blooming orchards, a turquoise sea; It’s almost silly to ask, but I do.  
"Why northern Italy?"  
Tozier shruggs. "I don't know. One minute we were two bros watching Call Me By Your Name, the next we were sucking each other's dicks and moving to Italy. Hollywood made us gay, man, and we're suing."

I don’t remember that many barn animals in the film, I tell him as we pass a stable, chicken and rabbit pens and several roaming goats, donkeys, cows and sheep on our way to the main house.  
Tozier laughs. "No. They were more into fruit in that film".  
"So is this the real you?"  
"I've always liked animals, but I was happy with just a dog, you know? This is Eddie's thing. He was never allowed pets as a kid so this is compensation that spun out of control."  
  
Did this self-proclaimed city boy come to enjoy it?  
"Oh, totally. They're all rescued, so it's like we gave them a second chance at life, and you can tell they’re really grateful and loving, but also, without exception, fucking insane and hilarious and I love them all.  
Except for Stephen."  
"Stephen?"  
"He's one of our ducks and he's a piece of shit. I swear he's gay for Eddie and whenever we're intimate, he gets jealous and attacks me." Richie starts chuckling in that staple, contagious Tozier laugh. "I’m pretty certain he is how I die".

The house is a beautiful old estate, 18th century, elegant and charmingly shabby. "This is the nicest way of saying 'falling apart'. It should say 'charmingly rotting and drafty as fuck'. In winter it gives you a ‘charming pneumonia’" he sniggers.  
Once you walk out of the aptly named mud room it opens to a broad, bright and airy kitchen-living space. One side has an eclectic style kitchen with a large natural wood island-come-dining table, the other hosts two heavily cushioned wide sofas, colorful artisanal carpets, quirky makeshift tables, clusters of tall plants and 3 salvaged vintage armchairs. It's Italian Boho meets "We found it in the barn" and it looks lived in - in the best way possible. Across the corner, not far from the fireplace, hangs a large hammock. This chaotic chic shouldn't work, but it oddly does. 

Three dogs follow us in and two cats run up to greet us. One cat remains curled on the sofa, unbothered. "That one's Max. He's a dick. There are two kittens hiding somewhere. Try not to sit on them".

The second we take our seat on the sofa a Pomeranian jumps on Richie's lap and settles there. "That's Issues, she was the first one we got"  
"Issues?" I cannot hide my amusement.  
"Eddie and me had a joint Pomeranian-based trauma so we got her as a way of dealing"  
I can't begin to imagine what a trauma like that would entail but he doesn't care to elaborate.  
"she's the only one of them that comes with us on our travels. We tried leaving her here in the past but that idiot got so depressed she refused to eat the entire time and nearly died. I guess she has some human-based trauma and we're her way of dealing.  
She's one of those dogs that deserve their own Instagram. Maybe I'll teach her how to post. We'll see."

At this point all the pets get up and start running in circles and howling, even Max the cat.  
Eddie enters the room.  
He's a lot tanner than those infamously blurry photos would suggest (I later learn he surfs.) and this, combined with his thick dark hair and cable knitted sweater, makes him look a little Italian. He's handsome in a nonthreatening, endearing sort of way.  
It's as if Richie can hear my thoughts, because he smirks as he gets up to welcome him "Yeah, he's a big hit with all the local nonnas".

Eddie greets "the kids" and exchanges a quick kiss with Richie then immediately extends a handshake to me. "Has he offered you anything to drink or eat?".  
He hasn't.  
He shoots a loaded look at Richie who squeaks "I was just about to!".  
Couple of minutes later and there's an espresso in my hand, an array of bread and cheeses and fruits on the coffee table and Eddie parks himself on the carpet.  
After an off-the-record chat and a patting session with the pets (which he introduces to me one by one by name, seniority and prominent traits) he has to go back to work. Eddie runs his one man handmade pasta company from the barn, and he has a big order due this evening.

"You know I used to call him Eddie Spaghetti when we were kids?" Richie grins. "Isn't that cute? Isn't that just 'shoot me in the face, bash my head in' adorable?!  
He flatout refused to call his business that".

Tozier makes sure I don't mention the actual name of Eddie's fledgling business. This catches me by surprise - normally this would be an opportune moment for some tasteful PR.  
"I look like the worst boyfriend" he laughs, "but I swear I'm following strict orders. He wants to build this by himself, it's his baby. I respect that."

He beams with pride as he shows me an article in a local newspaper about Eddie and the business.  
There's a photo of Eddie in an apron, all covered in flour, smiling broadly with his arms crossed, in front of his quaint workshop. Richie sighs. "God, he's so cute.  
It's those damn eyes of his. Fucking big brown expressive eyes. It's as if studio Ghibli went into genome design."  
The accuracy of the observation makes me snort.

Richie speaks to and of Eddie with undeniable softness, even during their many mock-fights and endless banter.  
If Eddie is Anime then Richie is a Tex Avery cartoon, complete with bulging eyes, rolled out tongue, heart beating out of chest and AWOOGA sound effects.  
"Have you ever been this in love before?" I ask.  
"Yes." he answers without missing a beat,  
"But with Eddie. "

Well, no one can accuse this story of being banal.  
  
"Our whole history is seriously messed up.  
We met as 10 year old kids and had this instant powerful bond but when we moved to different parts of the country we completely forgot about one another. Like, completely. I was insanely in love with this kid, but I guess when we were separated my coping mechanism was to repress the whole thing. Until we were called back to Derry on an emergency 20 years later (with bigshot childhood friends Bev Marsh and Bill Denbrough - W.F.).  
  
For me, seeing him again was like being hit with a bucket of ice water. I was immediately awake, there was no going back to sleep, and I was completely drenched in it. Like, instantly, head to toe, in love.”

Anyone who's watched Tozier's smash Netflix special, _Crazy Rich Tozier_ , knows exactly what happened next.  
In the Emmy winning stand up he chronicled his coming to terms with his sexuality and his love for his very male, likely straight, very dead childhood friend.  
The bittersweet show won him international acclaim and millions of adoring fans, whose hearts collectively went out to him in his state of overwhelming grief and regret. It is those fans that felt the brunt of his betrayal.  
"What I failed to recognize", he says bitterly, "is that people genuinely cared".

Next we go up to the second floor and in to his cozy study. There are floor to ceiling shelves stacked with books and DVDs, framed movie posters, a projector, a rolled up screen and a two seater sofa with a knitted snuggle blanket. There’s a long desk next to a huge window showcasing the breath-taking vista of the region.  
It is here that he honed the material for his upcoming comeback show. After two years of silence he feels confident the world is ready to hear his side of the story.

 **Do you think you'll ever move back?**  
"Who knows. Right now we're happy here, in our little piece of rural heaven. Maybe when the locals eventually turn on us and come with their pitchforks, hunting for gays..."  
The angry pitchfork-bearing mob is a recurring theme in Tozier's comedy.  
  
**Were you surprised by how furious people got with you?**  
"I was and I wasn't. I’m on twitter. Or I was anyway, so you're kinda used to the toxic discourse and mob mentality. What surprised me was how quickly my own fans turned and what a consensus the demand for my cancellation proved to be. I never imagined I'd be the one to unite the nation, but there you go. From hipsters to Westboro, America came together to agree I'm a cunt."

The public, who regarded Richie as the nation's gay sweetheart, was disgusted by the lies he allegedly spun.  
"I can't say I blame them. Not really. Because the optics were so bad", he pauses. "Not talking about the pizzagate conspiracy loons, the ones that believe Eddie was never even injured. Because fuck them. He was in a fucking coma, like..." he's visibly shaking so we take a break and go downstairs to make some tea.  
  
Eddie walks into the kitchen to bring in some of the fresh ravioli he set aside for lunch. But it's more like an excuse for him to check up on Richie, as if he sensed we reached the hard part of the interview.  
Richie goes to him and they hug, a live demonstration of the size difference the Internet was so obsessed with before everything turned sour. Then Eddie whispers in his ear and they both giggle and the whole thing is offensively cute. Eddie sticks around after that.  
I suggest we go by chronological order when Richie seems overwhelmed.

"So… We all met in Derry and I was smitten again. I tried to get his attention by constantly annoying him, because I’m a 13 year old moron. Um… then that damned house collapsed on us and... and he..."  
Eddie squeezes Richie's hand and takes over.  
"I got buried. It's not just that. The entire house got sucked into the ground. It's like a house-sized sinkhole and it's as if the place never existed."  
Tozier takes it from there. "We went back with heat detectors and nothing showed up. We dug down and there was no sign... of… of life. And at some point the police said 'that’s it. No more digging. If he was ever there, he's dead and… and retrieving a body is too dangerous in these conditions'... 'if he was ever there', fuck!”  
  
**Where do you go from here?  
**"I feel like it’s all over for me. I write because Eddie's dead and that's the only way of keeping both of us alive. And because lying at this point feels like the worst betrayal to Eddie, you know? As if not talking about it means I'm ashamed of my love for him?! Fuck that noise!  
Plus, I wanted everyone to learn from my pain and not be the fucking coward who let an entire house collapse on his crush before he got to tell him how he felt!  
Like, after you tell them, I don’t give a shit what you do to them. Nuke 'em for all I care, but not *before*!". He lets out a tired chuckle.

You can tell when Richie wants to get the story over with because his pace quickens. "Yadda yadda yadda, the tour's a hit, I get a Netflix deal, I hold off on killing myself" (he gets hit with another loaded look from Eddie) "…But what we didn't know at the time was that this guy fell into an underground water system and washed up to the next town over. Then spent four months in a coma as a john Doe, because at this point…” he clears his throat, “at this point no one was looking for him anymore. Then he wakes up... Do you wanna take this part?"  
Eddie declines. "I'll stop you if you get it wrong."  
"He wakes up, his memory is jumbled, he’s rambling. They said you were talking about being attacked by killer clowns...”  
“Just the one”.  
“just one clown?! Interesting." they exchange smiles. "So reality is immaterial. All he knows for sure is that he's alive and straight and married"  
Eddie turns bright red and gets up.  
"NOPE. Can't do this. Bye, sweetie, I trust you." he kisses Richie and bolts.  
"I'll tell them you're a sex maniac!" Richie calls after him and Eddie's distant reply is faintly heard.  
"sounds great!"

"The obsession to share perspective with the world is my thing. Eddie simply doesn't have that. He's very private.  
And it feels wrong to talk on his behalf so I'll try not to do that too much. I can only imagine what it was like for him to wake up and try to string his memory back together and figure out who he is.  
And then to see a snippet of my new show on YouTube... That must've been a doozy." Now it's Richie’s turn to blush.

 **Was he sent that link?**  
"I don't think so. The way he tells it, he had a weird need to google me after the police mentioned my name to him (When they questioned him for the incident report - W.F.). He probably watched quite a few before he got to that one.

But you see unlike me, Eddie didn't have a childhood crush, or rather, he did but he didn't quite understand it. He had so much shit to deal with as a kid he probably didn't have the emotional space to add 'questioning sexual orientation' to the pile. So for him, it wasn't like an ice water bucket... He calls it The Drip. Every day he figured it a little bit more. Drip, drip.”

 **When do you get the news that he's alive?**  
"About five months after the incident... So two months into the tour?"  
**And what are your thoughts?**  
"I had many, but they could all be summarised with 'AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!'"  
A mixture of unimaginable happiness, unbearable guilt and paralyzing panic. Feeling I found him and lost him, all at once".  
**Why lost?**  
"Would you want to die straight only to wake up to an old friend screaming in gay about his undying love for you, to everyone in the world but you? And those jokes about his dead dick… Can you imagine?!” Richie shudders.

“I do two gigs knowing he's alive, not knowing what he knows. Then I drive to see him and our reunion is so awkward and clunky, I guess he’s seen the show. Neither of us wants to mention it, or resolve anything.  
I leave hating myself for being a coward, but also thinking a man in his medical condition doesn't need my emo bullshit right now.  
I play four or five more gigs in a mental haze. I'm on Autopilot.”  
  
**How could you be sure he figured out it's him?**  
"Man, those were very specific examples I gave. No way could he miss it."

 **Do you keep in touch?**  
“We whatsapped each other while I was on the road, but our conversations were mindfuckingly mundane. Photos of food, links to animal videos and talks of weather. And I feel like I’m going insane or I’m in a dream state.  
And then when I gig New York we arrange to meet, because he’s back home.  
I was throwing up, breaking in cold sweats and on the brink of hyperventilation the entire week leading up to it.  
He used to be a human stress ball but apparently near death experiences make you chill? Because he walks into the meet super cool, whereas I was a trembling hot mess. It's as if we switched bodies.

And I don't let him say so much as a hi before I go into a hysterical apology and I beg him to forget everything so we can stay friends because I’m terrified of losing him and he grabs me, and I believe his exact words were, "Shut the fuck up, Richie" and he kisses me.

That’s it. I was in heaven, but also in living hell. The entire first month I have to constantly resist the urge to shake him and shout 'YOU'RE NOT GAY, YOU JUST WATCHED A YOUTUBE VIDEO!!!’.”

**At what point do you start asking yourself if you should edit the show?**  
“I start to consider it as soon as I receive the news. Long before we got together, when I wasn’t sure he even remembers me.  
But I don't know what to change the jokes to. I don't want to fan cast him in my fantasy, you know? He had things to figure out for himself and *any* take would be putting unfair pressure on him. Like, HEY MAN, I KNOW YOU ONLY JUST WOKE UP FROM DEATH BUT I NEED YOU TO SIGN THE MORTGAGE ON MY WISHFUL THINKING.   
And keeping the show as it is but ending it with "P.S. Turns out he's alive, goodnight, drive safe!" feels dumb and false as well.  
So I was contemplating cancelling the rest of the tour, but I know my career won’t survive another batch of cancellations. And turning down Netflix?! Yikes.”

**When it's time to film the Netflix gig, are you and Eddie together?**  
“By then we are, yes.  
I felt like a con… But at the same time, I love that show. I’m proud of it, prouder than I’ve ever been with anything I've done in my career. And I genuinely think it's an important show, as it is. Because the message of not letting opportunities pass you by in this transient existence is infinitely more important than "GUESS WHAT, GUYS?! TURNS OUT THERE *ARE* DO-OVERS! PROCRASTINATE YOUR LIFE AWAY!  
So I create a mental barrier between me and my show. I'm a professional performer and the show should (?) probably (maybe?) go on.”

 **  
Take me back to that point in life when you have your first Netflix special as well as the love of your life miraculously back. You must’ve felt like you peaked?  
**“I know you probably think it was blissful, but the reality was manic and messy and stressful. Both me and Eddie are pretty cynical pessimists and neither of us ever imagined we’d get a happy ending. If things are good, it means the house is about to come crashing down on us”

What happens next certainly falls in line with Richie and Eddie's sense of a looming disaster.  
Twitter figures out Richie's "blurry new boyfriend" is in fact the supposedly deceased Eddie Kaspbrak and all hell breaks loose.  
Eddie seemingly leaving his wife for Richie didn’t help matters.

“How do you begin to explain when the reality is layers upon layers of batshit? Everything sounded like a lie. And a dumb one at that. So I stopped trying.  
People who want to find a conspiracy, will. Some thought we faked the entire thing. There were no witnesses that Eddie even went into that house, only our word. And you see people writing things like “A risk analyst would never have gone in!” or “Do you know how cheap it is to buy a small town cop?”  
And some just thought I exaggerated it for sympathy or to make myself look less like a home wrecker. You want to tell them ‘You were never privy to any of this! You don’t know shit!’  
… And maybe people just found it too painful to believe, you know? Because if my Eddie came back, why didn’t theirs?!"

When Tozier gets death threats he shrugs it off, but when Eddie does, Richie packs him and Issues and drags them out of the country.

 **You ever wish you did an interview like this earlier, before it got that bad?  
**“In hindsight, yes. But at the time I was devastated. It wasn’t just the holy venomous rage that terrified me. Even before it broke, I was reading comments left under my insta posts and 50% of them were angry fans “disappointed” that I moved on and was cheating on Eddie. A man they thought died 5 months earlier.  
I felt 2017 America could only accept me as a suffering pet gay. The second they got a whiff of me maybe being happy, they turned. As a nation we prefer our gays to be in mourning and celibate. A sad non-practicing gay."  
  
A smirk suddenly spreads on his face. **  
** "That's why my new show is all about me happily fucking Eddie.  
Um, pardon my French, I mean making fuck to Eddie.”  
  
**How does he feel about it?**  
“He doesn’t *love* it." He laughs. "But these are the little deals we make trying to navigate our life together. I agree to adopt another five lopsided sheep? I get to follow him around the house and write jokes about him. Fair.”  
  
**Do you feel you two will eventually allow yourselves to be happy without constantly looking over your shoulder?**  
“We’ll probably always get a tiny bit nervous when things go too well. We were unfairly lucky once already.   
But we’re both finally at a place where we think we’re as deserving of happiness as anyone. And that’s good enough.”

The next day after breakfast, I say my goodbyes to Eddie and the kids (he made me a packed lunch). As Richie escorts me to the gate a raft of ducks waddles past us. One of the ducks stops to silently stare at Richie.  
“Stephen?”  
"Stephen", he confirms.  
“Maybe one day I'll win back all my fans... but I will never win him". Richie flips the duck the bird, before returning his hand to his pocket and smiling.  
"That’s not necessarily a bad thing, though, he makes me work harder."

Richie Tozier's Netflix special, _Filthy Richie_ , drops December 17.


End file.
